What Really Turns On Tim

by Lara Wilson

"Oh. God. It's so beautiful," Tim stammered, eyes widening with every second as he took in the most marvelous sight in the world.

Kon rolled his eyes in Bart's direction while Bart zipped back and forth and around the awe- struck Robin. "What's the big deal? It's just another computer."

Tim shot him a scandalized look, then ran one very gentle and very loving hand over the bank of monitors. "This," he stressed, "is not just another computer. This is a..."

Cutting him off before he could go into techno-babble, Kon shook his head. "Whatever, dude. Can it get free porn?"

"Or the latest version of Mech Wars?" Bart asked, then winced as the hand he was about to push a button with was smacked at lightning speed.

"This is a tool," Tim proclaimed, chin up, chest out in determination, "Not a toy." Looking over his shoulder at his new baby, he melted into a smile. "Isn't she just amazing?" His hand now ran over the sleek lines of the tower. "We're going to have such a wonderful time together catching the bad guys."

"Jesus, man, you're freaking me out. You're making porn noises."

"I am not."

"You are kind of breathless and squeaking," Bart affirmed, managing to get in one stroke on the computer. "Huh, I thought maybe it was vibrating or something since you're kind of rubbing up against it."

"I am not!"

"You so are, freak boy." Kon shook his head in dismay. "Man, you need a girlfriend."

"I have a girlfriend." Somehow Tim managed to both glare at his best friends and pet the computer his hip was now resting against.

"She's obviously not doing something right."

"What's she not doing?" Bart asked.

"Greasin' his pole."

"What pole?"

"There's no pole," Tim yelled. "If I find you porn and you that game, will you leave me alone to get to know our new computer system?"

"You're going to have sex with it aren't you."

Tim snarled around a nasty smile. "No porn for you."

Kon's eyes widened and he raised his hands in mock surrender. "Sorry, sorry."

Bart grabbed Kon's sleeve and said in a stage whisper, "Maybe we should leave because I think Tim wants to sex the computer, too."

Somehow they both barely managed to avoid the well-thrown birdarangs.

As the door slammed shut behind them, Tim turned fully back to his new baby. "Finally...alone," he said with a smile and pushed her big red button.


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